"Zombie High" (1987)

Some things about this movie:

- There aren’t actually any zombies in this movie, at all.

- That German poster above? Nothing remotely resembling that happens.

- About 60 minutes into the movie, they all of a sudden start doing these really “zany” wipes in between scenes, complete with sound effects.

- The “zombies” are eventually killed by being forced to listen to a really bad 80’s rap/rock song called “Kiss My Butt” (seriously).

"Day of the Dead" (1985)

Am I the only one who can’t fucking stand the three main “bad guys” in this movie? I mean, Jesus fucking CHRIST, are those guys fucking annoying or WHAT?

First there’s the main guy who’s the, like, evil twin of 1980’s Bono, who has his intensity level set on 6000% the entire movie, with his cRaZy EyEs and “menacing tone,” basically ruining every second of the movie that he’s in.

Then there’s his two main cronies, who I swear spend the first 30 minutes of the movie doing nothing but laughing these super fucking irritating high-pitched hyena laughs every time the camera goes anywhere near them.

I’d honestly rather Jar Jar Binks be the bad guy in this movie than any of those incompetent pieces of shit.

"King Solomon’s Mine" (1985)

A totally preposterous and brazen ripoff that might as well have been called “Indiana Jones and the King Solomon’s Mines,” or some other less awkward title. It’s forgotten shit like this that makes me thank the movie gods for Netflix.

Near the end of the movie, there’s a death scene involving a giant man-eating spider that comes and goes like it’s totally normal. A+++ (or should I say B+++?) movie making!!!

"Orca: The Killer Whale" (1977)

Filmed (partially) 17 minutes (according to Google Maps, given current traffic conditions) from my house!

And I mean, yeah, I’m sure orcas are intelligent and all that shit, but the orca in this movie is like the fucking Jason Bourne/Rambo of killer whales - he single-handedly (flipperedly) destroys the infrastructure and fuel reserves of a harbour town via causing explosions on land and way up into the fucking hills and beating the fucking shit out of everything within reach, with the exception of our hero’s boat (which he leaves in order to force a duel out in the open seas), he pushes a fucking ICEBERG into our hero’s ship, he tilts an entire icepan which causes our hero to slide into the water, and then he catapults him into the air with his tail.

In other words: fuck “Blackfish,” fuck “Free Wily.” “Orca” is the killer whale movie for me!